


Karaoke Killers, The

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-30
Updated: 2003-09-30
Packaged: 2019-04-27 06:11:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14419311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: What do Mulder and Scully do when a suspected serial killer steals only bad-singing people? Right.





	Karaoke Killers, The

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

 

The Karaoke Killers

## The Karaoke Killers

### by Humbuggie

The Karaoke Killers   
An X-Files musical   
By Humbuggie  
2003   


Type: Musical, Comedy with a twist (MT, even!) 

References: a few to certain people on Mulder's Refuge. You know who you are ...! 

Spoilers: none whatsoever except a little one referring to Scully's wonderful voice in Detour. 

This story is written in script format. Don't be alarmed, it's not you. It's me. ;) 

The Karaoke Killers 

Part 1 

**SCENE 1: THE STEVENSON RESIDENCE**  
**BALTIMORE, VA**

LOUD MUSIC comes from the upstairs bathroom. Downstairs Keith Stevenson sits nonchalantly in the living room like Al Bundy with a hand down his pants, FLIPPING CHANNELS. He groans (not with pleasure but in frustration) while watching MTV, humming to himself: 

**KEITH**  
So put your hands down my pants  
And I'll bet you feel nuts  
Yes I'm Cisco, Yes I'm Ebert  
And you're getting two thumbs up 

Suddenly he stops humming and lowers the television sound. 

**KEITH**  
Oh man. Not again! 

The music becomes LOUDER. Liz Stevenson turns up the VOLUME elsewhere. 

Switch to BATHROOM 

We see Liz turning up the music. She smiles broadly as she starts to undress, warbling out one of Abba's Best Of tunes from The Greatest Hits Part II. Album. When she starts singing, we know immediately WHY Keith is so frustrated. 

Back to KEITH downstairs 

He raises his eyes to the skies, and turns up the volume on the radio, suddenly starting to sing in a clear voice. 

**KEITH**  
Why is she always singing?  
She shouldn't be doing that  
Doesn't she know my ears are ringing?  
If she stops, I'll be very glad 

I just wish she would give me a break  
And I don't mean that literally  
It's all I can really take  
She is starting to sound just like Ally 

Cue UPSTAIRS BATHROOM 

**LIZ**  
Money Money Money  
Always funny  
In a rich man's world 

Money Money Money   
Must be sunny   
In a rich man's world 

Suddenly adding her own words to the song: 

**LIZ**  
I can't help myself   
But I love to sing   
I should be sitting on a shelf,   
But my body needs to swing 

It's strange it's fun it's weird it's odd It's cute it's nice it's relaxing   
Sometimes I wish I could sing like a god Instead all the words I use are just mixing 

I love to sing in the car, during work or surfing the net Even in the karaoke place up on Elm Drive I know that my voice is not there yet   
But hell, neither is anything in life 

I don't care who likes my song or voice Perhaps they all think I'm just mad   
Perhaps they think it's just a bit of noise But when some deaf guy compliments me, I'm glad 

I love doing Abba or Ace of Base   
Anything goes really, I choose them all I sing and swing my skirts with a maximum of grace In fact, I'm just downright having a ball 

LIZ stops and turns off the shower. She steps out and dries off while returning to her ABBA song kick. 

**LIZ**  
The winner takes it all   
The loser's gonna fall 

Suddenly she turns around, shocked by THE SHADOW that stands in the door to her bathroom. 

**LIZ**  
Keith is that you? 

No response. 

**LIZ**  
Keith? 

Her voice sings again in a falsetto. 

**LIZ**  
I know there's something going on   
I know there's something going ooo-on 

She FREEZES.   
THE STRANGER winks at her, luring her closer. She is DRESSED IN T-SHIRT and SKIRT. Her hair is still WET. 

Inside her mind she starts to sing. 

**LIZ**  
I know there's nothing I can do   
It is funny but I have to go   
My mind doesn't seem to get through   
My feet follow this man slow 

**CUE DOWNSTAIRS**  
KEITH sits there. His eyes are focused on the television set. He doesn't move. 

Inside his mind: 

**KEITH**  
I see my wife go with that man   
But I cannot stop them, I can't move   
I'm trying to do something the best as I can But my body seems to be entwined in this funky groove 

LIZ walks outside with the man. 

He walks before her to the PARKING LOT across the street. The street is EMPTY. 

**LIZ**  
I hear voices inside my head   
They are funny and smart and nice   
It seems as my mind is being fed   
But my hair itches as if I have lice 

**SCENE 2: THE SINGING TRUFFLES KARAOKE BAR** **BALTIMORE, VA**

They step into THE MAN'S CAR. LIZ sits transfixed next to him. She doesn't move. She looks aside. The song continues: 

**LIZ**  
Oh hell what's wrong with me?  
This guy looks so very strange  
But inside my mind I feel free  
Perhaps this is the start of being deranged 

THE MAN suddenly looks aside. His eyes focus on her. And they continue in a duo: 

**MAN**  
Don't worry my sweet  
You are safe with me now  
If you do what I'll say you'll get a treat I will make that my eternal vow 

**LIZ**  
I hope so strange man I really do  
I feel that I am okay with you here  
But tell me where you are taking me to  
In my heart lives a bit of fear 

**MAN**  
I will protect you at all times  
Trust me on that, this is not a thriller I have done not one single crime  
But they have labelled me the Karaoke Killer 

**LIZ**  
My goodness so I am in danger?  
Please tell me it isn't so  
After all, you are just a stranger  
And I really do feel I have to go 

**MAN**  
Too late my dear we are already there  
This place is mine and you will like it I got it from my father's, I am his heir And believe me, you will perfectly fit 

They stop at THE KARAOKE BAR Liz often visits. Only, there are no cars outside now. It seems CLOSED. Liz is AFRAID. She leaves the car and walks inside. 

The room is FILLED with people; about FORTY of them. They are all staring HYPNOTICALLY at the stage. 

On the stage a woman stands. She sings. 

**MAN**  
That's my Carlie. Pay attention my sweet. You're next. 

CUE to woman on stage, Carlie. 

**CARLIE**  
Midnight not a sound from the pavement  
I can dream of the old days  
Life was beautiful then  
I remember the times I knew what happiness was Let the memory live again 

LIZ is in awe. 

**LIZ**  
Look at that beautiful voice  
At first it's hesitant and very sweet  
Like a mouse making a little noise  
Until she opens her mouth and sounds meet 

Strange, it didn't sound so good  
But then all of a sudden she rocked  
She's getting into the right mood  
Everything seems perfectly clocked 

There's a sound. Suddenly CARLIE STOPS singing. A light appears around her and the stage STARTS MOVING. CARLIE looks up in fear. THE MAN smiles. LIGHT surrounds her. She VANISHES. 

**LIZ**  
Oh god, she is gone  
What am I to do?  
What the hell went wrong?  
Where did she go to? 

THE MAN takes her by the arm and leads her to the stage. She is FRIGHTENED but cannot do anything. 

**MAN**  
Sing when you're winning darling, and I'll promise you heaven 

**LIZ**  
(Hesitant then self-assured and very falsetto) 

Knowing me knowing you  
A-ha  
It's the best thing we can do  
Knowing me knowing you  
A-haaaa  
There is nothing we can do 

When the light comes, she looks up. She realizes she can DO NOTHING. She closes HER EYES and DRIFTS off. 

**PART 2**

**SCENE 1: FBI HEADQUARTERS**  
**WASHINGTON D.C.**

CUE TO THE OFFICE of Assistant-Director Walter. S. Skinner, who we find very cheerfully sitting behind his desk, tapping his feet while writing a report. 

**SKINNER**  
I don't know what's wrong with me   
In fact I feel quite nice   
My soul is liberated my song is free   
I think this office's filled with mice 

SKINNER drops his pen, gets up and walks to the window. 

Ever since the other day I have to sing I can't help it   
The music is lovely, like a constant ring I feel like wearing a transvestite's kit 

I keep on hearing the same song  
It's very familiar, very well known   
And somewhat wrong   
It's The Village People's YMCA 

Y-M-C-A!  
It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A!   
They have everything for men to enjoy  
You can hang out with all the boys 

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A-A-A-A 

SKINNER stops singing when his assistant KIM arrives at the door. She looks somewhat nonplussed. 

**KIM**  
Sir, is everything all right? 

**SKINNER**  
(Embarrassed)  
Of course. Why? 

**KIM**  
I thought I heard voices in here. 

**SKINNER**  
Nope. Just my radio and me. 

**KIM**  
What radio? 

**SKINNER**  
Can't you hear the music, Kim? I hear it all the time. 

**KIM**  
(Blushes)  
Yes sir, I hear it too. It's there and everywhere. It makes me want to sing. 

**SKINNER**  
So, sing! 

**KIM**  
I can't! 

**SKINNER**  
I order you to sing. 

**KIM**  
Working 9 to 5   
What a way to make a living   
Barely getting by   
It's all taking and no giving 

You just use my mind  
And never give me credit  
It's enough to drive me crazy  
If you let it 

She stops pale. SKINNER frowns and bursts out in a self-invented song. 

**SKINNER**  
Am I really such a jerk?   
That you would sing this song like this All I did was give you work   
Your absence would be quite a miss 

**KIM**  
It's okay sir it's not so bad   
I just feel this urge to talk   
Believe me, I'm not really mad   
My heart's feelings just need to walk 

They take each other in the arms; eyes dramatically fixated TO THE CEILING. 

**SKINNER**  
You know I like you, I really do   
From the first day I respected your work I don't know where this song is going to Perhaps I should just get another clerk 

**KIM**  
Please sir, please don't   
I have guests that wait outside for you Leaving you, I won't   
Where would I be heading? 

**SKINNER**  
Who is it, Kim? 

**KIM**  
Mulder and Scully, sir 

**SKINNER**  
Ah yes, the respective pains in my butt. Show them in. 

**KIM**  
Yes sir, but I have to warn you. 

**SKINNER**  
Oh? 

**KIM**  
They are singing too. And Scully really sucks. 

**SKINNER**  
My next assignment to her is to practise in some karaoke bar. 

**KIM**  
That sounds good, sir. 

KIM walks outside and makes way for MULDER AND SCULLY entering Skinner's office. 

**SKINNER**  
Take a seat, agents 

**MULDER**  
Sir, we won't stay long, but we have reason to believe something might be wrong. 

**SKINNER**  
I know. You are singing too. 

**SCULLY**  
You too, sir? 

**SKINNER**  
Yes, and I'm pretty good. Who do you think I should become? The Indian? Or the construction worker? 

**SCULLY**  
(Raised eyebrow)  
Sir? 

**SKINNER**  
Never mind. Mulder, don't look so glum. I'm sure you sing fairly well. 

**MULDER**  
Sir, you don't want to know 

**SKINNER**  
Nothing you can do about it. Just go with the flow. 

**SKINNER**  
(Walks manfully over to Mulder)  
Young man, there's no need to feel down I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground I said, young man, `cause you're new in this town There's no need to - be - un-happy 

**MULDER**  
Sir, I'm in trouble. Serious trouble.  
Very serious trouble. 

**SKINNER**  
What trouble, Mulder? 

**MULDER**  
(Sings)  
I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot no deputy Oh, no, oh  
I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot no deputy Ooh, ooh, ooh Yeah 

All around in my hometown  
They're tryin' to track me down, yeah  
They say they want to bring me in guilty For the killing of a deputy, for the life of a deputy But I say, oh, now, now... 

I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot no deputy 

**SKINNER**  
(Sings quietly) 

There he goes again, my boy's always in trouble Every time he steps in here I know something's up I should probably go out there and help him on the double But the problems are probably larger than anything you can get in a teacup 

I know this rhyming is often bad   
But it's not my fault, blame the boogie In my head I kind of feel sad   
Because I don't just talk. I woogie (boogie?) 

**MULDER**  
You have to help me sir. I know I shot the sheriff but I didn't mean to. I thought he was an alien.  
Besides, all of his men are okay. 

**SKINNER**  
Don't worry about it Mulder. Shit happens. I'll help you out, I promise. 

**SCULLY**  
Are you going to hide the body, sir? Cover it up? 

**SKINNER**  
Hell, why not? I have a whole conspiracy government stuck somewhere. Don't worry; I'll fix it with the bosses. 

**MULDER**  
Thank you sir, that's very kind. 

**SKINNER**  
By the way, you don't sing badly. That's good to know because I could use it. 

**MULDER**  
How come, sir? 

**SKINNER**  
In exchange for me cleaning up your garbage, you will have to do something for me. 

**MULDER**  
Like what, sir? 

**SKINNER**  
I need volunteers to sing karaoke. 

**MULDER**  
What?? 

**SKINNER**  
But you have to sing badly instead of correctly. 

**SCULLY**  
Why, sir? 

**SKINNER**  
You have to understand this case I got It's ridiculous really, and kind of a joke A couple of people vanished, in fact a lot I hope they didn't croak 

They all went to the same Karaoke Bar  
But that's not where they vanished   
In fact, they were taken from their homes here there and afar And the FBI is being blemished 

**SCULLY**  
Does that mean I have to sing a song again? Because Mulder already heard how bad I am Not even QueeQueg was a big fan   
Whenever I sang, he always ran 

**SKINNER**  
That's exactly why I need you, Scully. These people vanished from their homes, because they sang so badly. I want you two to become the next target And find out what happened to them. 

**MULDER**  
Do we have to? Do we have to let it linger? 

**SKINNER**  
Yes! 

**MULDER**  
What do I need to sing? 

**SKINNER**  
Let your imagination run wild, my friend. Here are the details and here's your case. Go with the flow and do whatever it takes. 

MULDER AND SCULLY are not happy troopers walking outside. In the basement office, SCULLY groans. 

**SCULLY**  
This is your entire fault, you with your shooting. You always bring us in trouble. 

**MULDER**  
Start practising "Joy to the World". You'll need it. 

**SCULLY**  
Thanks, my friend. I'll never do you any favours again. 

**MULDER**  
But you love being in the centre of attention. 

**SCULLY**  
But I can't sing! 

**MULDER**  
Good! 

SCULLY starts dancing and singing:  
**SCULLY**  
I said who do you think you are?  
Some kind of superstar,  
Who do you think you are? 

You have got to swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are?  
Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it,  
show me how good you are,  
Swing it, shake it, move it, make it,  
who do you think you are?  
Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it,  
and show me how good you are. 

**MULDER**  
Shake it, Scully! Yeah baby! 

**SCULLY**  
I know the perfect song for you, partner. 

**MULDER**  
I do too. 

Mulder steps aside, takes a deep breath and starts his own tune: 

**MULDER**  
I love myself  
I want you to love me  
When I'm feelin' down  
I want you above me  
I search myself  
I want you to find me  
I forget myself  
I want you to remind me 

Chorus:  
I don't want anybody else  
When I think about you   
I touch myself  
I don't want anybody else  
Oh no, oh no, oh no 

**SCULLY**  
(Flushes)  
Good one, Mulder. But too much information. 

MULDER grins. 

**SCULLY**  
Mulder, I think we are in trouble. We cannot stop singing. We cannot stop saying what we think. Do you think that Karaoke Bar has anything to do with it? Perhaps the whole town is infected. 

**MULDER**  
No, it's not. Or is it?   
Someone is doing this to us. Someone, who watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer sing her heart out. I will find out who it is, and I will put a stop to it. 

**SCULLY**  
So is there anything we can do about this? Let's go out for a walk   
I feel that my singing is amiss   
I just prefer to talk 

**MULDER**  
Scully I feel incredibly stupid   
I think that you know too much about me But I promise that we'll find this culprit Singing like this is not my cup of tea 

**SCULLY**  
So where is this Karaoke Bar?   
I hope somewhere nice. Like New York or something. 

The two look at EACH OTHER. Suddenly MULDER grasps his partner and takes her in a swing. 

**MULDER**  
Start spreading the news  
We're leaving today  
We want to be a part of it, New York, New York These vagabond shoes  
Are longing to stray  
And make a brand new start of it  
New York, New York  
We want to wake up in the city that never sleeps To find we're king of the hill, top of the heap 

If we can make it there  
We'll make it anywhere  
It's up to you, New York, New York. 

**SCULLY**  
I have bad news for us, Mulder.  
We're going to Baltimore. 

**MULDER**  
Baltimore! Nothing rhymes with Baltimore! 

**SCULLY**  
Encore! Encore! 

**MULDER**  
Very funny, Scully, just wait until you rape Joy to the world again. 

**SCULLY**  
At least I'll be doing it in style. What are you going to sing, hey? 

**MULDER**  
Like a Virgin, hey!  
Touched for the very first time 

**SCULLY**  
Like a Surgeon, hey!  
Cutting for the very first time. 

**MULDER**  
Looks like we're heading for the Karaoke Truffle Bar, Scully. What kind of a name is that? 

**SCULLY**  
Beats me. 

**MULDER**  
Beat it. Beat it. 

**SCULLY**  
I'll beat you all right. 

**SCENE 2: THE KARAOKE TRUFFLE BAR**  
**BALTIMORE, VA**

MULDER AND SCULLY enter the bar and are immediately caught into heat and warmth of the ROOM. There are at least forty people inside, and they all sit at tables near THE STAGE. 

**SCULLY**  
Ever done karaoke, Mulder? 

**MULDER**  
Never had the pleasure. I thought only funny little Japanese guys did it? 

**SCULLY**  
You would be surprised how many are eager for a career in music. 

**MULDER**  
Are you eager, Scully? 

**SCULLY**  
I prefer the slice and dice. 

**MULDER**  
Like a surgeon ... 

A MAN approaches them. He offers his hand. 

**MAN**  
You are new to the bar! I don't recognize your faces. I'm Al Stewart, the owner. Can I offer you drinks from the bar? 

**MULDER**  
Martini, shaken not stirred 

**AL STEWART**  
(Grins)  
Coming right now. And for the Misses? 

**SCULLY**  
A Bloody Mary pleases. 

AL STEWART bows.  
And your names are? 

**MULDER**  
Simon and Garfunkel. She's Garfunkel. 

SCULLY pounds her partner in the side. He grins wryly when AL STEWART disappears. They are seated next to THE STAGE. 

**SCULLY**  
Don't you find it odd that this man knows everyone who ever visited his bar? 

**MULDER**  
He has a photographic memory perhaps. 

**SCULLY**  
Or he is the one doing this. 

**MULDER**  
We just got here, Scully. You can't solve this case before you sang on that stage. 

**SCULLY**  
I don't want to, Mulder. Honestly, I don't! 

**MULDER**  
Come on, darling. It's going to be fun. 

SCULLY just groans and looks at the stage where a young woman just finishes singing NEW YORK NEW YORK. A man steps on the stage and pats her on the shoulder. 

PRESENTER (who looks a lot like Jerry Springer) Thank you for this original performance, Cal! Big cheers, folks! 

CAL blushingly steps off the stage. 

**PRESENTER**  
Who's next? Let's see. Oh, we have one of our regulars now. Step on the staaaaaaage, Jenny! 

JENNY walks into the spotlights. She's very shy. Her hands rest before her body. She has freckles and her hair is done in braids. 

**JENNY**  
(Should I mention the falsetto?)  
Me with the floorshow  
Kickin' with your torso  
Boys getting high  
And the girls even more so  
Wave your hands if you're not with a man Can I kick it?  
Yes, you can!  
I got funk  
You got soul  
We got everybody  
I've got the gift  
Gonna stick it in the goal  
It's time to move your body 

I don't want to rock, DJ  
But you're making me feel so nice  
When is it gonna stop, DJ?  
`Cause you're keeping me up all night 

**SCULLY**  
Not bad. Not bad at all. 

**MULDER**  
What? She's even worse than you were! 

**SCULLY**  
Ssst, Mulder. You don't say that in here! 

**MULDER**  
But she sucks! 

**SCULLY**  
Well, I like her. 

**MULDER**  
Then marry her, for goodness sake. Where are those drinks? 

A WAITRESS comes to their table and hands them the drinks and a big BLACK BOOK. 

**WAITRESS**  
Here you go. Now you should already pick out the songs you want to sing. The full list in this book. That's ten bucks. And don't forget the tip. 

**SCULLY**  
(Angry)  
Drops a ten-dollar bill on the table. No change, no tip. 

**WAITRESS**  
Thanks, cheapo. 

**SCULLY**  
Geez, what a bitch 

**MULDER**  
Come on baby leave some change behind  
She was a bitch but I don't care  
She brought our drinks out on time  
Had a funny beret in her hair 

**SCULLY**  
Mulder, stop singing. People are looking. 

**MULDER**  
I can't help it  
It's stronger than me  
It all just fits  
It's as it's supposed to be 

**SCULLY**  
(Embarrassed)  
Then at least pick out a song and wait until you're on that stage 

JENNY ends her song and gets loud clapping. MULDER sees AL STEWART staring at her. His eyes are fixed on her. 

**MULDER**  
I think she's next, Scully. And I think you're right about Stewart. 

**SCULLY**  
I'm always right. 

**MULDER**  
In your dreams. 

**SCULLY**  
I'm going to sing Garbage. 

**MULDER**  
Yes I know 

**SCULLY**  
No! I mean, I'm going to sing a song by Garbage. Geez, Mulder. Enough with the truth already. 

**MULDER**  
No Britney? 

**SCULLY**  
That's up right now, look. 

**PRESENTER**  
Here's Mandy with Baby one more time! 

MANDY gets self-confidently on stage. 

**MANDY**  
I want to devote this song to my best friend, Kareem Junction sitting right over here. You're up next buddy! 

MULDER sees a very visible shudder coming from the man's body, and smiles sympathetically. 

**MANDY**  
Oh baby, baby  
How was I supposed to know  
That something wasn't right here  
Oh baby, baby  
I shouldn't have let you go  
And now you're out of sight, yeah  
Show me how want it to be  
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because 

My loneliness is killing me  
I must confess I still believe  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind  
Give me a sign  
Hit me baby one more time 

**MULDER**  
Is it just my impression or does everyone sing very nasty over here? This doesn't sound right, does it? 

**SCULLY**  
Mulder, you're deaf as a mule. This is brilliant! 

MULDER groans and tries to cover his ears. He no likes. 

**SCULLY**  
Stop acting like such a baby. What song are you going to do? 

**MULDER**  
The Thong Song 

**SCULLY**  
No way! 

**MULDER**  
Hey, you are singing crap. 

**SCULLY**  
Garbage! 

**MULDER**  
Whatever. 

SCULLY lures a waiter closer and gives them their choices. He smiles. 

**SCULLY**  
There. Too late now. 

**MULDER**  
Uh-oh 

MANDY has made room for her boyfriend, KAREEM JUNCTION. He steps wearily on the stage, as if he has to. 

**PRESENTER**  
Kareem is going to sing a classic for us today. I want to break free! Good luck, Kareem! 

**KAREEM**  
I want to break free   
I want to break free   
I want to break free from your lies   
You're so self satisfied I don't need you I've got to break free   
God knows, God knows I want to break free **MULDER**  
Only the little skirt and apron are missing. But he already has the hair for it. Owww! What was that punch for? 

**SCULLY**  
Shut up, Mulder, and listen. He's very good. I think he might be next on the list too, seeing as Steward is glaring at him with eager eyes. 

**MULDER**  
Perhaps he's just gay 

**SCULLY**  
Kareem doesn't look gay to me. He looks fine. Hello, Sir-ree! 

**MULDER**  
Look at that guy standing and waiting to song. He looks like that one agent working in our office: Daggett or something. 

**SCULLY**  
You mean Doggett? 

**MULDER**  
Whatever. What do you think he's going to sing? 

**SCULLY**  
Like a Rhinestone cowboy? That seems to fit that manly man. 

**MULDER**  
To a Tee. 

Suddenly the lights switch on. The music stops in the middle of a freeee-eee-eee sung (or is that groaned?) by Junction. MULDER looks relieved. 

**AL STEWART**  
Sorry folks, we have a malfunction with the machines. No more karaoke for tonight. You can all come back tomorrow. Free entrance then! 

PEOPLE start moving up when the waiters start guiding them outside. 

**MULDER**  
They are in a hurry. 

**SCULLY**  
Where's that girl? Jenny or something. 

**MULDER**  
Over there. 

**SCULLY**  
Should we follow her? 

**MULDER**  
Best. 

**SCENE 2: JENNY FROM THE BLOCK**

THE AGENTS step outside in the cool air. They see JENNY walk up to her car. She is alone. She takes off. They follow. 

**MULDER**  
What's going on? 

**SCULLY**  
Singing again? 

**MULDER**  
Yup. 

Only two blocks away, JENNY parks the car before an apartment building. SHE WALKS IN. A few moments later LIGHTS go on, on the second floor. They are RED. They see shadows. 

**MULDER**  
Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light. Those days are over.  
You don't have to sell your body to the night. 

**SCULLY**  
Funny. 

**MULDER**  
So what is it, Scully? What's going on? 

**SCULLY**  
I don't know 

**MULDER**  
Perhaps we are in danger  
It all looks very weird  
In fact even stranger  
Than anything I ever feared 

**SCULLY**  
I don't know what it is  
But I know that I like it  
It's better than eating a perfect fish  
Watch you, you're throwing a gum down that grit 

**MULDER**  
Remember when I said if there was an Ice Tea in that bag? 

**SCULLY**  
Are you becoming mushy on me, Mulder? 

**MULDER**  
Your smile makes me smile  
Your laughter is my joy  
Just stay here for a while  
I feel like a little boy 

**SCULLY**  
Your information is very sweet  
Some day I'll respond to it  
Right now I think we should meet  
With that girl, because the window's no longer lit 

**MULDER**  
Oh crap do you think she's asleep?  
Then we're in for a long night  
She's probably already dreaming of sheep Or the perfect medieval knight 

**SCULLY**  
Knight and night don't rhyme that well. 

**MULDER**  
Shut up and kiss me. 

**SCULLY**  
In your dreams, Mulder. Get some rest. I'll keep guard. 

**MULDER**  
Sweet dreams are made of this  
Who am I to disagree?  
I travelled the world and the seven seas Everybody's looking for something 

**SCULLY**  
Goodnight Mulder 

MULDER slips to the side and falls asleep quickly, head resting against THE DOOR. SCULLY smiles. 

**SCULLY**  
Look at him sleep  
He is such a cute guy  
His dreams are dark and deep  
The smile on his face is wry 

SCULLY looks at the window, and waits for something to happen. She starts to get VERY SLEEPY, VERY RELAXED. Finally, she SLEEPS too. 

SUDDENLY a slamming car door alerts them both. They look up, SCULLY alerted and MULDER confused. 

**MULDER**  
Hmm? Crystal? You were so fine. What the bleep? 

**SCULLY**  
Crystal huh? 

**MULDER**  
Who, what? 

**SCULLY**  
We'll talk about Crystal later. Let's go. 

SCULLY exists the car first. She sees A MAN in the shadows. 

**SCULLY**  
(Hisses)  
Mulder, he's here! 

**MULDER**  
Yeah, yeah. 

**SCULLY**  
(Picks up her gun)  
We can't let him take that girl. 

**MULDER**  
You don't even know it's him! Might be her boyfriend or something. 

**SCULLY**  
Let's wait and see. 

THE MAN is suddenly gone, turning around the corner of the house. SCULLY seems confused. She looks up and sees the BATHROOM WINDOW open. 

**SCULLY**  
He must be in there! 

**MULDER**  
How the hell did he get up so fast? 

**SCULLY**  
I'll try the front door. You crawl up that rain pipe. 

MULDER groans. 

**MULDER**  
You seem to forget that us men have an appendix (appendage?) That doesn't like to crawl up pipes, or anything else that might cause it to damage. 

**SCULLY**  
Whiner. 

**MULDER**  
Pffffrt. 

SCULLY races up to the front door. 

MULDER (while crawling up the pipe) starts to sing: I hope I don't damage this thing  
I don't like to do this you know  
Crawling up pipes forces us to cling  
And little John down there should currently not grow 

When he reaches the TOP and opens the window, he sees THE MAN talking to JENNY. THE MAN turns around. It's AL STEWART all right. He is SURPRISED to see MULDER. Suddenly, MULDER feels his hands slip FROM THE RAINPIPE. 

**MULDER**  
Argh! 

MULDER lets go of the pipe. 

**MULDER**  
My Joooooohn. 

MULDER falls into the bushes below him with a loud crash. He remains down and still. THE MAN peers from the window. He turns when SCULLY enters the room with her GUN. 

**SCULLY**  
Let the girl go! 

THE MAN does not respond.   
SCULLY aims the gun at his chest. Suddenly she feels very WEAK. She lowers THE GUN. 

**THE MAN**  
How's your singing? 

**SCULLY**  
(Whispering embarrassed)  
Okay. 

**THE MAN**  
Sing for me. 

**SCULLY**  
(In true Olivia Newton-John style)  
Guess mine is not the first heart broken, my eyes are not the first to cry, I'm not the first to know, there's just no gettin' over you   
Hello, I'm just a fool who's willing to sit around and wait for you   
But baby can't you see, there's nothin' else for me to do, I'm hopelessly devoted to you But now there's nowhere to hide,   
since you pushed my love aside, I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you   
Hopelessly devoted to you,   
hopelessly devoted to you  
My head is saying "fool, forget him",   
my heart is saying "don't let go"   
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do I'm hopelessly devoted to you   
But now there's nowhere to hide,   
since you pushed my love aside I'm not in my head, hopelessly devoted to you   
Hopelessly devoted to you,  
hopelessly devoted to you 

**THE MAN**  
Okay, that'll do. You're coming with me too. 

SCULLY (who obviously is under THE Man's influence) nods and leaves her gun in the bathroom. JENNY and SCULLY walk after THE MAN through THE APARTMENT, and use THE STAIRCASE to go downstairs. They go TO HIS CAR. 

MULDER shakes his head confused, while lying on top OF THE BUSHES. He moves and CRIES OUT IN PAIN. HIS ANKLE is obviously sprained. He sees SCULLY, JENNY and AL STEWART step into the car. 

**MULDER**  
(Still lying down)  
Hey! Yo, Scully! 

**NO RESPONSE.**

**MULDER**  
Hey red! 

SCULLY seems to hear her partner yell but SHE IGNORES IT. 

MULDER manages to crawl up and LIMPS to the car. He's in pain. 

MULDER steps into the car. 

**MULDER**  
Damn it! 

MULDER starts the car and follows the vehicle at a distance. He heads back TO THE KARAOKE BAR. 

A few minutes later MULDER stops at the BAR. He sees the other car. He limps out of his car and heads to the main door. IT IS LOCKED. 

MULDER looks around for another entry. He sees lights inside. He limps to A DARK WINDOW and peers inside. There are at least FIFTEEN PEOPLE inside. SCULLY and JENNY are there too. 

MULDER goes around back and struggles with the door. He crashes inside. NOBODY hears. He realizes AL STEWART has control over all the PEOPLE INSIDE. 

He stays IN THE BACK and sees A WOMAN on stage. 

**AL STEWART**  
Come on now Mal, you can do it. 

**MAL**  
The hills are alive with the sound of music With songs they have sung for a thousand years The hills fill my heart with the sound of music My heart wants to sing every song it hears 

MULDER is shocked to see that a BRIGHT LIGHT engulfs the woman, the second her rasping voice starts to sound BETTER. It is as if her VOICE CHANGES while singing. The second she SINGS BEAUTIFULLY, and then she disappears. 

**MULDER**  
What a terrific way to eradicate all the crappy musicians out there. 

AL STEWART looks at another of his victims. 

**AL STEWART**  
Victoria, you're up next. 

A woman in her FORTIES steps on stage. She is petite and doesn't seem afraid at all. 

**VICTORIA**  
(Becoming Simon and Garfunkel)  
I hear the drizzle of the rain  
Like a memory it falls  
Soft and warm continuing  
Tapping on my roof and walls 

And from the shelter of my mind  
Through the window of my eyes  
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets To England where my heart lies 

My mind's distracted and diffused  
My thoughts are many miles away  
They lie with you when you're asleep  
And kiss you when you start your day 

MULDER watches in awe, as her regular voice becomes a beautiful one and she vanishes into the light too. 

MULDER KNOWS he has to do something. He steps forward with his gun. 

**MULDER**  
Mr. Stewart, freeze! 

AL STEWART looks up. 

**AL STEWART**  
So, you are a cop, hey? 

**MULDER**  
No, FBI 

**AL STEWART**  
I spy for the FBI 

**MULDER**  
Very funny. What are you doing with all these people? 

**AL STEWART**  
Oh, I'm just offering them a better world to be in. One where their singing talents will 1) Be improved  
2) Be used for proper purposes  
3) Be appreciated 

**MULDER**  
You are making them disappear. You're plucking this town. No one sings decently. 

**AL STEWART**  
Oh yes there are still quite a few people left that sing good, you know. But don't worry, nobody is hurt or damaged. 

**MULDER**  
My ass! 

**AL STEWART**  
Your foot, you mean. 

**MULDER**  
Let them go! 

**AL STEWART**  
You should know that you're not under my influence. I can't hypnotize you or do something to you. 

**MULDER**  
Why not? 

**AL STEWART**  
I go after the ones that sing lousy. You actually sing quite well. 

MULDER snorts. 

**MULDER**  
Yeah right. 

**AL STEWART**  
Sing something for me then. 

**MULDER**  
I don't want to. 

**AL STEWART**  
Please, humor me. 

**MULDER**  
Okay. What do you want me to sing? 

**AL STEWART**  
What about Sexy Motherf$cker? 

**MULDER**  
Do you think I'm sexy? 

AL STEWART smiles. 

**MULDER**  
So I was right. You're gay! 

**AL STEWART**  
In my world there is no such thing as sex. Now, are you going to sing or what? 

**MULDER**  
Okay.  
Yo man  
What?  
She came  
where?  
There!  
Oh!  
In a word or 2 - it's u I wanna do  
No not cha body, yo mind u fool 

Come here baby, yeah  
U sexy motherfucker 

**AL STEWART**  
Okay, that's enough. You see? I can't take you with me. You sing too well. 

**MULDER**  
So how am I going to free those people? 

**AL STEWART**  
You can't. Unless you sing very very false. Like you partner. 

MULDER looks at SCULLY who is walking towards the stage. Before he can stop her, she starts to sing. 

**SCULLY**  
Pull the string and I'll wink at you, I'm your puppet I'll do funny things if you want me to, I'm your puppet Mm. I'm yours to have and to hold  
Darling, you've got full control of your puppet 

Pull them little strings and I'll kiss your lips, I'm your puppet Snap your fingers and I'll turn you some flips, I'm your puppet Mm, your every wish is my command  
All you got to do is wiggle your little hand I'm your puppet, I'm your puppet 

SHE TOO is engulfed by the light and vanishes. 

**MULDER**  
You bastard! 

**AL STEWART**  
Sorry I can't help you. I'm just doing my job. Collecting the bad and keeping the good. 

**MULDER**  
Where are you taking them then? At least tell me that. 

**AL STEWART**  
Into another realm with singers. Everybody sings there. They don't talk. There is no room for talkers. 

MULDER knows he can't stop the man in this universe. He knows that he has to do SOMETHING though. NO ONE will believe this. 

**MULDER**  
Okay, I can sing false! 

AL STEWART smiles. 

**AL STEWART**  
Prove it 

MULDER hops on stage, takes a deep breath and takes the microphone in real ELVIS style. 

**MULDER**  
A well I bless my soul  
What's wrong with me?  
I'm itching like a man on a fuzzy tree  
My friends say I'm actin' wild as a bug I'm in love  
I'm all shook up  
Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!  
My hands are shaky and my knees are weak I can't seem to stand on my own two feet Who do you thank when you have such luck? I'm in love  
I'm all shook up  
Mm mm oh, oh, yeah, yeah!  
MULDER strains to sound very falsetto, trying to get A STRAIGHT FACE, while shaking and stirrin'. THE MAN watches in awe. 

**AL STEWART**  
My goodness. How can a voice be raped that way? 

MULDER suddenly finds himself surrounded BY THE LIGHT. Even though he doesn't want to, his voice starts to IMPROVE. Suddenly he's singing most HEAVENLY, and the blinding light sends him off. 

**AL STEWART**  
You got your wish. Now see if you can get back here. 

**PART 3**  
**SCENE 1: SINGING-SINGING LAND**

MULDER is lying on the ground in an unknown place with closed eyes, slowly recuperating from his descent and painful landing. He suddenly OPENS HIS EYES and looks around. THE WORLD AROUND HIM looks very strange. He lies in a pasture filled with grass and COWS, with musical cords on them instead of black spots. THE COWS graze and stare past him. One NIBBLES on his shoes. 

**MULDER**  
Hey, leave me alone you crazy cow  
What do you think you've done?  
My shoes still have to be okay for now  
I need to find out where Scully might have gone. 

MULDER gets up and away from the cows. He stares at them. 

**MULDER**  
Oh great I'm in another world or so  
With crazy cows that look so strange I think Perhaps I should just go  
Before someone takes my skin for mink 

Oh gosh I'm singing why can't I stop  
This is getting weirder by the sec and stuff I'm sure this song would be a huge top 100 flop No matter what Stewart says, I've had enough 

MULDER decides not to sing anymore, and just shuts his mouth (very difficult for him!), and leaves the pasture. 

He is in a very RURAL AREA with clear blue skies. He sees a few houses IN THE FAR DISTANCE. He decides to go there. When he walks, he sees a lot of animals: DOGS, CATS, and RABBITS. They hobble and dance. 

**MULDER**  
God this is a nauseating and weird  
Even the animals look content  
This world is happier than I feared  
Is this how our world was once meant? 

I need to find my way out of this place Before my mind goes stir crazy once more Perhaps in town someone has a maze  
To let me escape to home, like before 

I just hope that I'm in la-la land   
And this is all just a bad dream   
But when I pinch in my hand   
My mouth opens to form a very real scream 

I guess it is true I have been tricked To take the leap into this world of joy Al Stewart sure got me flicked   
Hopefully no one acts like a little boy 

And look at this: this place has nothing of old No skyscrapers, no large buildings, no apartments Despite the warmth I suddenly feel very cold I kind of miss my friends 

SUDDENLY MULDER arrives at the group of houses. He stands in shock when it turns out to be some rundown farm. An older couple are working near the house, a younger woman sings. Children are playing. Everyone seems nauseating happy. MULDER realizes he has seen that young woman before. It's JENNY. 

MULDER goes to them. JENNY looks at him. She doesn't know him. 

**JENNY**  
What can I do for you, kind sir?  
You have stepped on our land  
You are causing quite a stir  
I hope you have the best intentions at hand 

**MULDER**  
Hey, you're Jenny from the block   
I would know you anywhere  
Your hair is strange and you wear a frock You look just like your old mere 

**JENNY**  
Kind sir, please don't laugh at my sight You are not supposed to be here   
You are causing me quite a fright  
Perhaps I really should fear 

**MULDER**  
I will leave you to it then   
But just one question to ask   
Do you recall the other world where, when You were taken from with a spark? 

**JENNY**  
You mean that dreaded old place   
I don't care to recall?   
That was just me in a different phase   
I was up and ready for a serious fall 

You see, then came this man   
And he saved me from harm   
He did all a man can   
And gave me this beautiful farm 

**MULDER**  
Do tell me then if there are others like you I am looking for someone in particular to be set free Do you know by the way that cows do moo? It's all that rhymes in my head right now you see 

**JENNY**  
There are so many of us here  
But why don't you go further up north  
You will find a beautiful town have no fear So I beg you: just go forth 

MULDER decides that Jenny cannot help him any further and waves her goodbye. He then proceeds up north, following the musical path going over the hills, past the pastures and quaint little houses. 

**MULDER**  
This whole scene just makes me puke  
Where is my own little darkness?  
This world is just one big fluke  
I might as well start wearing a dress. 

Unfortunately for MULDER, he needs to keep on moving until he finds SCULLY or AL STEWART. On the way over, in their quaint little houses, MULDER sees a lot of familiar faces. 

There is VICTORIA MUESLI again 

**VICTORIA**  
It's oh so quiet  
It's oh so still  
You're all alone  
And so peaceful until ... 

You fall in love  
Zing boom  
The sky up above  
Zing boom  
Is caving in  
Wow bam!  
You've never been so nuts about a guy  
You wanna laugh, you wanna cry  
You cross your heart and hope to die... 

And KAREEM Junction's verbal diarrhoea 

**KAREEM JUNCTION**  
Hallucinate, Desegregate, Mediate, Alleviate Try not to hate  
Love your mate, Don't suffocate on your own hate Designate your love as fate, A one world state As human freight, The number eight  
A white black state, A gentle trait  
The broken crate, A heavy weight  
Or just too late, Like pretty Kate has sex ornate Now devastate, Appreciate, Depreciate   
Fabricate, Emulate, The truth dilate, Special date The animal we ate, Guilt debate  
The edge serrate, A better rate, The youth irate Deliberate  
Fascinate, Deviate, Reinstate, Liberate To moderate, Recreate, Or detonate, Annihilate Atomic fate (fornicate!!:))  
Mediate, Clear the state, Activate, Now radiate, A perfect state, Food on plate Gravitate, The Earth's own weight, Designate your love as fate At ninety-eight we all rotate  
Hallucinate, Desegregate, Mediate, Alleviate Try not to hate, Love your mate  
Don't suffocate on your own hate  
Designate your love as fate  
A one world state, As human freight, The number eight A white black state, A gentle trait, The broken crate A heavy weight, Or just too late  
Like pretty Kate has sex ornate  
Now devastate, Appreciate, Depreciate, Fabricate Emulate, The truth dilate, Special date, The animals we ate Guilt debate, The edge serrate, A better rate, The youth irate Deliberate, Fascinate, Deviate, Reinstate Liberate 

MULDER thinks Oh Gosh, pulls a panic face and moves on. 

And there is LIZ (whom we remember from the opening sequence) 

**LIZ**  
Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war Waterloo - Promise to love you forever more Waterloo - Couldn't escape if I wanted to Waterloo - Knowing my fate is to be with you Waterloo - Finally facing my Waterloo 

MULDER groans. 

More people like KIT SPACKDAGGEE who keeps on belting out CHER-songs 

**KIT**  
If I could turn back time  
If I could find a way  
I'd take back those words that have hurt you And you'd stay  
If I could reach the stars  
I'd give them all to you  
Then you'd love me, love me  
Like you used to do  
If I could turn back time. 

He heard more MUSICAL INTERLUDES on the way to the city. From SAM who clung onto him, asking him if he was hers, singing 

Complicate this world you wrapped for me, I'm acquainted with your suffering. 

And LESLA chanting: 

If only you believe like I believe, baby, like I believe, We'd get by. If only you believe (d) in miracles, so would I. 

To TAMSIE singing with a cute FRENCH ACCENT. 

Welcome to the Hotel California  
Such a lovely place   
Such a lovely face   
Plenty of room at the Hotel California Any time of year   
You can find it here 

MULDER becomes more depressed from all the happy tunes by the minute. Finally he is almost RUNNING towards the city. 

And there, just before he enters it, he finds A VERY FAMILIAR LOOKING PLACE: THE KARAOKE BAR. 

He somehow knows that SCULLY is here. 

**SCENE 2: THE ALTERNATIVE KARAOKE BAR**

He walks in to find someone named MINGST (odd name!) standing on stage, singing - in a very beautiful voice - a classic song. 

**MINGST**  
So take a look at me now  
Oh there's just an empty space  
And there's nothing left here to remind me Just the memory of your face  
Take a look at me now  
'Cause there's just an empty space  
And you coming back to me is against all odds And that's what I've got to face 

**MULDER**  
Listen to how gorgeous she sings  
And that is something very weird  
If my theory is corrected they must be jinxed Their singing should normally be feared 

So Al Stewarts was right about his world He took all the singers and made them good It's the best thing I've ever heard  
One doesn't even need regular food 

But I'm starving and I need to eat  
And I need to find my partner soon  
Perhaps they serve a good piece of meat Hell, in this place I'm probably a (buffoon)maroon 

Waitress, bring me a good decent dish  
And serve some cold Belgian beer  
I think I'm going for the fish  
You probably don't have any deer? 

MULDER sits up front before the VERY FAMILIAR LOOKING STAGE. He knows that Al Stewart will find him here. 

**WAITRESS**  
Here's your beer, friendly one  
Served cold just as you please  
Your fish will soon be nicely done  
By the way, your hands are covered in grease 

**MULDER**  
You're very kind  
I'll tip you well   
Hope you don't mind   
But hope you can tell 

I'm looking for a friend  
She's a beauty in red   
Her presence here is not meant   
Perhaps she's with a guy named Fred 

**WAITRESS**  
Oh but I saw this woman today   
She came with Mr. Stewart you see   
Everyone can do what may   
We are all very free 

But she didn't come with a guy named Fred If this is the woman you mentioned here So are you certain we are on the same tread? Would you like another beer? 

**MULDER**  
Oh it's okay, I'm sure it's her   
Fred just rhymed in the previous phrase She wore a little jacket with fake fur And she has a fierce gaze 

**WAITRESS**  
Yes it must be her  
And she is right here   
She was singing will, dear sir   
Have no fear. 

MULDER looks into the direction the WAITRESS points at, and sees his partner sitting in the corner. 

He finishes his beer excited and relieved, while XANITH steps on stage and sings her version of 

See the west wind move like a lover so  
Upon the fields of barley  
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth Among the fields of gold  
I never made promises lightly  
And there have been some that I've broken But I swear in the days still left  
We'll walk in the fields of gold. 

MULDER grabs another beer from the counter, before slipping into the booth next to SCULLY. Now she looks up. She doesn't seem surprised to see him. 

**SCULLY**  
Look what the cat dragged in   
You look lousy and kind of thin  
What is wrong with your chin?  
You've got sweat dripping on it 

**MULDER**  
I don't know what you mean, Scully dear But I've come to take you home  
You should no longer feel any fear   
Why do you groan? 

**SCULLY**  
Mulder, you're sweet enough   
And thanks for your rescue dear   
You do look a little tough   
But in my heart, there really rests no fear 

You see, I feel very good in this town It all seems to fit in place  
Why do you frown?  
This is not just me going through a phase 

**MULDER**  
Scully, you don't seem to make   
That something is terribly off   
This world seems so fake   
Damn I'm getting a nasty cough 

**SCULLY**  
Mulder, you must understand   
That I feel quite okay   
I have this strange, familiar band   
With this place, come what may 

**MULDER**  
Scully, please listen to what I say   
You should come home with me   
This whole place will go astray   
At least there you will be free 

**SCULLY**  
I hope you realize that I'm quite content I like this place and I sing quite well You don't need money, nothing's for rent Life out there feels like a prison cell 

**MULDER**  
Partner, I am very serious about this  
You should know how I sense it   
Life in here is a total miss   
I don't like it one little bit. 

**SCULLY**  
I do realize that everything is a bit odd Yet it doesn't really bother me all that much Perhaps Al Stewart thinks he's god  
Yet he has a very gentle touch 

**MULDER**  
Scully, I've always trusted you by far You should know that after so many years Don't make me go into war  
I too have dozens and dozens of fears 

**SCULLY**  
Mulder, have you noticed how you're singing is all bad? It's as if you can't hold a tone   
It's really kind of silly and sad  
In real life, you would never get a groan 

**MULDER**  
Yes I know and there is more   
I feel as if I'm turning sick   
I don't want to stand on the dance floor Yet singing and swaying with you gives me a kick 

**SCULLY**  
Perhaps you're right and I should fight this thing It sure all seems to become a mess   
If I keep this up I'll start a fling  
Hell, I'm even wearing a dress. 

**MULDER**  
Okay, so you agree it's time to go?  
Good, I'm happy to hear that   
Should we walk, run, jump or row?  
Hell, you're even wearing a stupid hat. 

**SCULLY**  
Best be careful because Stewart's here He might want to stop us   
Are you finishing up your third Belgian beer? If you look this sexy, I'm having a crush. 

**MULDER**  
Your rhyming really isn't that good   
But your voice is actually pretty nice Do you think they'll ever serve my food? You could sing on the soundtrack from Miami Vice 

**SCULLY**  
No time for food Mulder, if you want to go now We'd best get a move on right away   
That woman singing next is a real cow  
Mulder, if you stand you it looks as if you sway. 

**MULDER**  
To be honest I don't feel so well   
I don't know what's wrong with me   
Bloody hell!   
My feet suddenly feel loose and fancy free. 

**SCULLY**  
Just get up easily and stare at that tray I want to check you out  
No Mulder, don't go, just stay   
And don't pull your lip in that pout. 

**MULDER**  
Scully, I feel kind of dazed and weird I think I have been here before  
Perhaps it is as if I feared  
I think my head's going to bang into the floor. 

**SCULLY**  
Mulder, you're passing out!   
Oh gosh can someone help me please?  
Can't anyone here my shout?  
My partner's butt is going to freeze. 

We see MULDER lying unconscious on the floor, with SCULLY hovering over him. She looks up when AL STEWART appears beside her out of the blue. He sighs. 

**AL STEWART**  
It's just as I was afraid would come true This man is not meant to stay in this world His face is already turning blue   
His body cannot withhold being swirled 

**SCULLY**  
Are you telling me he is going to die?  
You must be mistaken; this can't be real I don't even know how to cry   
So tell me, sir, what's the deal? 

**AL STEWART**  
I only take the ones that sing bad  
To offer them a new life in this space I know it sounds kind of sad   
But no one would miss them in the old place. 

**SCULLY**  
Are you saying people didn't like what we did? That we won't be missed   
That kind of sucks, doesn't it?  
Just because we love to sing when we're pissed? 

**AL STEWART**  
It's true and it's a fact   
Mulder unfortunately does not belong  
Lots of people even got sacked  
Yet Mulder did nothing wrong. 

**SCULLY**  
You say that he sang better than us?  
I cannot believe that this is true  
I'm sure you must have been hit by a bus And you're right, he really is turning blue. 

**AL STEWART**  
Your partner is not meant for this space and time He would surely die, even from a Belgian beer Not only had he difficulty finding his rhyme I'm sure he would also detest the deer 

**SCULLY**  
So what do you propose we should do?  
Get him back and let us stick around?   
I'm sure that no one would care to return, true? Why seem your eyes so frowned? 

AL STEWART (sombre)  
I'm afraid I might have made an error  
I know that it's difficult to admit   
In your friend's eyes I will see the terror My poor wife will go into a fit 

**SCULLY**  
Are you saying you want to abandon this realm? And leave us all to our own devices?   
Couldn't you just apply some balm?  
Here you can even win karaoke prizes! 

**AL STEWART**  
No I'm afraid it is too late   
What needs to be done, needs to be done My choices have been made  
Soon all of this will be gone. 

AL STEWART looks sadly around him. VARIOUS VOICES can be heard through the karaoke bar. 

**AL STEWART**  
Listen to their beautiful voices   
Listen to them all singing   
Gill singing You've lost that Loving Feeling, no noise Carrie going Good n Evil   
Milly belting out, I will survive!   
Mandy continuing with the Bartender. 

They are all so great   
All so good   
And I'm just very afraid  
They will return in a bad mood. 

**SCULLY**  
Then don't let them go   
Keep them in this place  
Nobody's missing them, no?   
Then this is their spot in space. 

**AL STEWART**  
Are you sure because you're a Fed   
And in fact you sound like a great gal  
I'm sure you ain't seen nothing yet   
You should go now and take your pal. 

**SCULLY**  
What do we need to do to return?  
Perhaps there is no time   
His body is swarming with germ  
I'm getting fed up with this rhyme. 

**AL STEWART**  
Get him on stage and start to sing  
Just hold him tightly in your arms  
The second your body will start to swing I think your partner's butt needs balm. 

AL STEWART AND SCULLY holds up MULDER. They walk him slowly to the stage. MULDER is obviously not capable of doing much than groaning. 

**SCULLY**  
Wait! What about when we go back?  
Will we still have to sing then?  
I just want to get back on track  
I am a very protective hen. 

**AL STEWART**  
Don't worry, the singing will be done  
It was just fun to fool around   
No one will hold up a gun   
Your partner will be back on solid ground. 

**SCULLY**  
Mulder is my partner and my friend  
I guess I should take care of him   
This is as it is always meant   
I don't like him going through a limb. 

**AL STEWART**  
You're very sweet and I wish you all the best I promise I won't take any other man   
You should know that this was a great quest By my wife and a karaoke fan. 

**SCULLY**  
Have no fear   
I'd like to know this   
You serve Belgian beer   
But it gives the best bliss   
(I'm off now, I need a pi$$ 

**AL STEWART**  
I like it too   
But now I bid you farewell   
Send my regards to you-know-who   
And tell him to use some better hair-gel. 

SCULLY nods and starts singing her tune. 

**SCULLY**  
Jeremiah was a bullfrog  
Was a good friend of mine  
Never understood a single word he said  
But I helped him drink his wine 

Joy to the world  
All the boys and girls  
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea  
Joy to you and me. 

As she SINGS IN PERFECT TUNE, the same bright light that brought them here engulfs SCULLY AND MULDER. 

The following second, she passes out. 

**SCENE 3: KARAOKE TRUFFLE BAR**

**MULDER**  
Scully! Yo Scully! 

SCULLY (groans)   
What? Where? Who? 

**MULDER**  
The most beautiful man in the world. 

SCULLY opens one eye and groans again. 

**MULDER**  
Is this your way of greeting the most beautiful man in the world? 

**SCULLY**  
Beautiful, my ass. 

**MULDER**  
And what a cutie that ass is. 

**SCULLY**  
Are you coming on to me? 

MULDER helps his partner up. They are in a very empty KARAOKE BAR. SCULLY looks around. 

**SCULLY**  
We're not singing anymore. 

**MULDER**  
Does it look as if I'm unhappy about that? What happened anyhow? 

**SCULLY**  
I gave up a perfectly fine singing career for you. But we're back home, and no one seems to be missing anyone. So I guess our case is closed. 

**MULDER**  
You mean you've stopped forcing birds to commit suicide with your dulcet tones? 

**SCULLY**  
Ha.Ha. I didn't hear you complain when I sang, Joy to the World to you earlier on. 

**MULDER**  
I was sick and very cold, and very hurt. Couldn't hear if you were squealing `Chocolate Salty Balls' back then like a stuck pig. 

**SCULLY**  
Next time I'll sing Great Pretender for you. 

**MULDER**  
Oh Yes, I'm the Great Pretender.  
Oowa Oowa 

**SCULLY**  
"Oowa Oowa?" 

**MULDER**  
Better than Chocolate Salty Balls. 

**SCULLY**  
Let's go home Mulder and see if the world has returned into its regular self. 

**MULDER**  
And let's not EVER set foot in a karaoke bar again. 

**SCULLY**  
But you haven't heard my version of Garbage yet! 

**MULDER**  
Just keep that for the next time I'm in a coma. 

SCULLY AND MULDER walk outside, and find a woman walking down the streets. She stops and looks at them. She then smiles. 

**MYSTERY WOMAN**  
Had fun in singing-singing land, people? 

SCULLY AND MULDER look knowingly at each other, when the woman starts to sing. 

**MYSTERY WOMAN**  
Girls just wanna have fu-un ...! 

**MULDER**  
Who are you? 

THE WOMAN just smiles and takes off. 

MULDER (smiles)  
Hopefully I'll get to choose my own songs next time. I've always wanted to do Elvis in its purest sense. 

**SCULLY**  
If you don't start walking right now, I'll be doing Jailhouse Rock. And that's only for starters. 

**MULDER**  
Promises, promises, Agent Scully. 

SCULLY smiles, and takes her partner in a strong vice like grip on his arm. 

As they leave, AL STEWART stands next to the MYSTERY WOMAN, and they watch from a distance. 

**AL STEWART**  
Had fun with your toys, my dear? 

**MYSTERY WOMAN**  
You ain't seen nothing yet. She says with an evil leer. 

**END**

Excelente!!!!!!! Wee I'm all kittenish now he he great stuff san. Unction will need some wet wipes for his keyboard methinks   
  


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